Marathon 2008: To Catch A Predator

Happy Independence Day! Doesn't Bailey look festive with his little bandanna on? I'll get back to him in a minute...

This week has been pretty smooth. The Wednesday "short run" has increased by a mile but I didn't really notice too much difference. Still experimenting with clothing the lower half of my body. Not too much success with the running shorts so I've gone back to the capris. You'll be happy to know I got to the bottom of the Little Viagra government conspiracy. Basically I'm a dumbass. I saw the boat again during one of my short runs and noticed it is stamped Viagra again. I was like what the heck is going on here?? Just the other day it was changed to CIA... So I look again and below Viagra, lower on the back end of the boat, it also has CIA on it. There must've been a cover on the boat the other day and all I could see was CIA. Oh well. Mystery solved.

So back to the predator in my story this week. Every day after my runs Bailey, my 12-pound shih tzu, tries to hump the hell out of my arm while I'm doing my stretches on the living room floor. Here's how it goes down...

I return from my trailblazing run and come into the apartment a hot sweaty trani mess.
Bailey tries to bite my running shoes and ankles as I make my way to the living room.
After doing my calf stretches at the wall, I lie down on a towel and he's there waiting for me. Waiting to pounce.
I let him take my hat or sweatband off my head and he throws that around and rolls on the floor with it while I try and get a few stretches in.
The sweaty headgear only delays the inevitable... and the licking begins. He tries to lick every square inch of my salty sweat - mostly on my legs - as I try and shoo him away.
Now he's really getting worked up and runs to get Wiggles - his favorite toy since he was a puppy. Wiggles is really a baby toy made for teething and even vibrates when you pull a cord out. Hmmm. Maybe that's where I've gone wrong. Anyway, he brings Wiggles over right in my face and I throw it into the kitchen. It buys me a few seconds. Throw and stretch. Throw and stretch.
I'm about halfway through my stretching when my overpowering stench must be too much for him to take because that's when he starts circling my arm. It's usually my right arm but I don't think he has a preference.
The humping begins and if I try and get him off my arm he gets pissed and tries to bite my hand. I remind him he's a lover and not a fighter and try and talk him into getting on Wiggles. It's about this point of total defilement of my forearm that I can just picture a man coming from around the corner "I'm Chris Hanson from Dateline NBC and we're doing a story on adolescent shih tzus humping their human mothers." He would kneel down on my living room floor and confront Bailey directly. "Screenname SirHumpsALot what do you have to say for yourself? Whaaaaat are you doing? What do you think would have happened in this house if I wouldn't have been here? You're a dog, you're naked, you have condoms and cool whip and she's your mother!" Bailey would probably just start humping him.
After I've unlocked Bailey's deathgrip on my arm, he goes in the corner, licks himself then crawls into his bed and goes back to sleep. I gather my sweaty mess and head to the shower. Another successful day of training for all!